Бесплатный фрагмент - Parenting with pleasure

Foreword

Some might not believe it, but raising kids is interesting. Sometimes children behave badly, they scream, demand the impossible, are rude, get dirty, disobey. But we love them anyway!

What could be more pleasant than seeing how a child becomes smart, educated, well-mannered, and not without our help. I am convinced that parenting can be enjoyful. For both kids and parents.

Being a developmental psychologist, I teach numerous courses for children aged from 4 to 11. The main tenet of my lessons is making children smile. Of course, sometimes children (just like grown-ups) can cry, be angry, sad or become exhausted. It is a part of our lives. But our goal is to accept it, cope with it, and move forward with a smile. Well, maybe not with a smile, but feeling satisfied and engaged in our own lives.

The child points at a person walking down the street bare feet and asks his father: “Dad, why is this man without shoes?” “I think, because he doesn’t have any,” dad replies. “Maybe his shoes were torn?” I can hear the beginning of the kids’ story.

What does this example above tell us? Children always imagine their lives as a continuous process of creation. This is how children in preschool age discover the world around them. We, adults, should use this when we raise our children!

Chapter 1. Children who like things they do (engagement)

What do we do best? What do we do with diligence and precision? Something that we like. Something that we enjoy.

And kids are no exception. The child’s willpower is not as strong as an adult’s. And the primary motivation for children is interest and engagement.

Adults can act out of necessity or duty, but children cannot. And, when asked to, they end up slacking simply because it is meaningless to them.

In order to achieve goals, one needs to feel engaged.

“Pay attention, please!” (attention)

“He is so inattentive” — parents tell me sometimes when they bring their children to my classes. But when offered an exercise they find interesting, they become focused and concentrated, they become immersed in the task. How is this possible?

The answer lies in the close relation between engagement and attention.

If we do something with pleasure, our attention is absorbed in the activity. And, similarly, it is very difficult to sustain attention on a boring task.

The child has not yet know how to manage their attention. Rather, their attention is controlled by surrounding stimuli. It is in the parent’s abilities to help the child direct their attention and control this “spotlight of consciousness”.

There are a number of activities that can train child’s attention control:

— Board games, where the child needs to follow the game’s plot, sequences of moves, execution of the game’s actions.

— Game sports, where dexterity, game awareness and attention are important.

— Chess, reading, viewing pictures and completing various tasks with them, etc.

What is it for? (The goal)

Hellen is waiting for her mother in a hallway of a business-center. But sitting still is boring and very hard. So it might seem that Hellen is just hopping like a frog. “Fooling around”, adults would say. But in reality, Hellen is playing a game she just created. Its goal is to reach the finish line at the end of the hallway by hopping on alternating legs on the tiles on the floor.

What would this game be without the goal? Maybe a lazy teacher’s gym class. But for Hellen it is a very interesting game. But also, it is a game that develops dexterity, balance, various muscle groups, and body control.

Engagement helps children train attention control. Engaged children do not just perform better, they enjoy themselves. And one of the secrets of how to engage a child is a goal.

Notice that every game has a goal, otherwise, it would be meaningless and boring.

Help children set goals. Once the child is ready, teach them to set goals by themselves. Ask them about what they will do now, why, with what purpose?

Make it interesting! (the rules of engaging activity)

— The activity’s requirements should be within the child’s abilities, but demanding enough for it to be quite demanding. In other words, it should pose a feasible challenge.

— Do not forget about the goal. The child should understand it, see how how they can reach it, and how well they are doing.

— The task must be given the child’s full attention.

— The child should feel control over their actions.

The child will definitely feel engaged if they think they are playing a game.

Gregory is trying to throw an empty bottle in the trash can. At first he comes very close and he succeeds in a single throw. Too simple! He takes a step back and tries again. Then another one. Then Gregory tries to do it turning his back to the trash can. Then squatting. Then with his left hand, then over his own head, then over his brother…

Who would have thought that the task of throwing a bottle in a trash can turn into such a breathtaking adventure!

What is the parent to do?

If you want to help the child enjoy what they do:

— Make your interaction clear. Make sure that you understand each other. Give clear feedback.

— Learn to speak your child’s “language” sometimes. “Greg, we need your special superpower to gather the toys. No one else can do it!”

— Learn what the child is thinking and feeling at the moment.

— Give your child a choice in every situation. Use your imagination and your adult intelligence. “Well, Billy, will you put away the toys first, and then the clothes? You’re in charge of the room here, so you choose!”

— Be on your child’s side. Trust them.

— Find activities that contribute to the child’s self-improvement.

The child and the whole world around them

What can a parent do to help the child find joy in anything?

It is important to show the child the many interesting things that one can do in this world.

Train with your child to turn negative circumstances into controllable experiences. Look for opportunities around you. Be attentive and observant, show interest in what and who surrounds you.

— Teach the child to manage their physical sensations, to control the body. It can involve exercises, physical education, outdoor games, hiking, or just wrestling on the couch.

— Develop the child’s visual perception. Study fine art together, watch the world around you, pay attention to its colours and shapes. Visit galleries, art collections.

— Quality music develops musical ear, brings harmony and order to the child’s world. Classical music certainly has such properties..

— You can develop and train your taste for food. It also presents chances to experience a range of new sensations, joy, and engagement.

— And finally, the child’s thoughts, their mind require particular attention. Intellectual activities enrich and develop the inner world of the child. By studying culture, children create a unique new world. Reading, watching educational films, documentaries, conversations, clubs, and classes… In all this, it is important to remember to help the child improve their skills, understand the goal, and track their progress.

— Living in society, the child needs to learn to communicate with themselves and those around. For a child, the experience of being alone trains the state of complete concentration. This is important because a child gradually learns to control themselves, their internal mental, emotional processes. But being in society, on the other hand, contributes to the ability to concentrate on the external.

Chapter 2. “I can do anything!” (Optimism)

“And if I fail?” John asked. “You can always try again,” dad replied.

Optimism is how we explain to ourselves what is happening around us. The habit of explaining events in a certain way is formed in childhood. Around the age of seven, a child develops their own style.

What do an optimistic child and a child prone to pessimism say about reasons for unfortunate events?

1. An optimist is sure that everything can be changed. A pessimist does not have such confidence (“Oh no, what am I going to do now?..”)

2. An optimist thinks that a failure is isolated and accidental. A pessimist is sure that failures happen to them constantly and everywhere. (“It’s always like this with me!”).

3. An optimist attributes a trouble to the circumstances. A pessimist constantly blames themselves for any trouble. (“It’s all because I can’t do it”).

Adults play an important role in fostering optimism. First of all, always strive to tell the child the truth. Even if the truth is adjusted to the child’s perception, it is honest.

Give the child the opportunity to cope themselves with all tasks that they can manage on their own. Let them try, let them fail, but if you feel that they can do it, let them do it on their own.

Be mindful of your words and actions. If you want your child to become an optimist, you will have to become an optimist yourself! Only forward, only optimistic statements.

How, if ever, to criticize the child

Weigh all your comments on the scales of reason. Remember that exaggerations and unnecessary emotions can deprive the child of the desire for change. However, complete abstinence from comments weakens the will to correct mistakes.

Try to give your criticisms optimistically. Point out specific and fixable things.

Below are some examples of bad and good critique:

“Michael, what’s wrong with you? You’re always messing around!” and “Michael, you’re messing around today. I don’t like it.”

“Ann said you were crying the whole time I was gone. What a crybaby you are!” and “Ann said you cried the whole time I was gone. Were you sad without me?”

“Nick, I told you to put things away. Why don’t you ever listen?” and “Nick, I told you to put your things away. Why didn’t you put them away?”

“You’re a bad girl” and “You hurt Ira today”

“Helga never plays with other guys. She is very shy” and “Helga is not easy to find a common language with other kids”

“You are unathletic” and “Now you need to try and score a goal”